Emotional Abuse: Family Edition

One would think, that after all these years on earth, I would cease being surprised at the level of depravity and cruelty human beings possess. We are barraged with more and more stories of terrorist attacks, torture, murder, war… it never ends. I can’t watch the news without getting upset or anxious anymore. Even scrolling through my Facebook feed can be rocky territory! But this blog isn’t about the massive events that we all get to hear about. No, we have enough opinions shoved down our throats in that area. No, this blog is about the depravity and cruelty that people would prefer to hide behind closed doors.

This blog is about severe, intentional, and traumatic emotional abuse.

I don’t think anyone gets through this life unscathed. We’ve all been called names and been dealt harsh words at some point or other. But what is more common than it should be, is the intentional pain – when they fire off the perfect phrase that they know will make you crumble inside; call you that one name you despise; spread lies that discredit your words. For myself, this is one of the worst kinds of abuse because it so often comes from people that you are supposed to be able to trust, people you love and feel safe with. But the intimacy shared between you becomes a weapon in their arsenal to cause you the greatest pain.

Sometimes the abuse comes from a father who openly prefers one child over the other. The father who resents his son for being more of a man than him. The father who calls his son “little bitch boy” to make sure he knows his place and status – less than. The father who is so threatened by his son, he will spread lies about you to anyone who will listen, so no one will ever believe your cries for help. The father who actually takes the time to craft the perfect message that will hit your deepest fears and insecurities. The father who openly wishes you were just “gone” or dead.

Other times, the abuse comes from a mother who was so damaged as a young girl, she will do anything to gain some form of approval or love. The mother who will drink herself into a stupor then criticize the way you live your life. The mother who will happily say horrible things about you if it means someone else will “accept” them. The mother who calls the cops on you just to get you out of the house because her newest husband doesn’t like you. The mother who sold you to a man who wasn’t your father. The mother who left you AGAIN to be with her preferred children. The mother who uses your insecurities against you when you need her support the most.

Siblings can cause even more trauma. Like the sister who you spent your life protecting, but now uses your past mistakes to hurt you. The sister who used to beg for your help, but then claims you were never there. The sister who says you should never have been born; “a load that should have been swallowed.” The sister who you grew up with, loved, and cherished, now takes her time to deny every single thing you’ve ever done for her because she knows it hurts you. The little sisters who you happily fought for who now take joy in calling you hurtful names and hurl slanderous accusations at you. The sister who denies her own abuse to ensure that her bank account stays full. The sister who would rather see you dead than succeed.

Then there are those special families… the ones where that father? He’s yours. The mother? Her too. The sisters? The ringleaders of your emotional destruction. Do these families exist? Absolutely. I’ve been watching it in action for months as my boyfriend has been repeatedly beaten down by his family. They’ve even included me in, as I am another way to hurt him. That’s how cruel this family is.

I’ve watched as he has tried to defend himself in a group text with his father and sisters – in the time it takes him to even respond to one remark, they have hurled ten more insults, accusations, and lies to tear him down. Within a minute he can receive up to 20 texts from his sisters and father, all emotionally abusive, slanderous, and hateful. His mother was also cast out by her sister and daughters. Being the dutiful son he is, he comforted his mom, encouraged her and let her know she wasn’t alone in this. We spent many a day and night holding her hand, wiping her tears, and calming fights between her and her husband. We didn’t want her to suffer like he does. But when someone who cast her out offered her a kernel of acceptance and false love? She immediately jumped on the bandwagon that lives to destroy her firstborn child and only son. The “family” who actually thrives on trying to make him hate himself.

What is truly sad about all of this, aside from the intentional abuse, is that none of them know who he truly is. The good man who loves God, who comforts my dad, who rides his bike to raise money for children’s cancer prevention. The man who will jump into a river to save a malnourished dog. The man who would sell everything in his possession just to make sure his dogs are well cared for. They don’t know this man because they’ve chosen to cast him as a villain. Why?

No one likes the person who calls you out for who you really are: A pervert, a drunk, an addict. The best defense against someone who tells the truth?

Shatter their public image and character.

So let me correct those of you who choose to believe the lies and deceit, those of you who purposefully try to bring him down and tear him apart from the inside out: Christopher has always told the truth about his life. What has happened to him and his recollection of his past. He is a good man who only LOVES with that giant heart in his chest.

Stand up against those who persecute you. If you are scared to do it alone, we will stand with you. God will hold your hand.

Just know, that no matter what, you aren’t alone in your pain – and there is nothing wrong with reaching out for help.