Spirituality is a strange thing. Once you fully commit your selfish will to God’s Holy Plan, life starts to look a little different. Complete trust in the LORD requires daily death to yourself and your ego. For example, I wasn’t sure what I was going to write about today, but I had a gentle nudge from God whispering in my soul: “Write about Me.” And for any Christian, especially one who has tried to fit into this world and follow Christ at the same time, there is a moment’s hesitation. “What will people think? How will this make me look?” But I have recently given my whole self to God, meaning that it no longer matters what people think or how I look to them. I no longer live for this world, but for His glorious Kingdom. While this brings a certain kind of freedom and hefty weight lifted from your shoulders, it also kind of feels a little like lunacy.
And that’s okay.
I have been raised in the church since I was 3-years-old. My dad would take me to our little Foursquare church every Sundaymorning and Wednesday night. Like anyone who was brought up in the church, you learn your key Bible verses and songs and take everything you hear as Gospel (is that a pun?). Eventually, you accept Jesus as your Savior (sometimes multiple times because you are an anxious child and just want to make sure your spot in Heaven is secure). For myself, I accepted Christ as my LORD and Savior when I was 8-years-old. And I continued to go to church, learn my verses, went to church camp. I even elected to be baptized when I was 14. I remember having this clean feeling when I came out of the water. I was elated!
Like most teenagers, though, I slipped up. When a youth leader I looked up to (a lot) suddenly left and went against everything I had been taught and believed in, I stopped going to church regularly. I had plenty of excuses too: play rehearsal, work, friends to hang out with, and being plain “too tired.” I reassured myself that it was okay because my mom was a Christian and she didn’t go to church. So I was fine too, right?
Well, when you don’t go to church and you lead a rather tumultuous home life, combined with depression, anxiety, and OCD, AND you aren’t praying, reading the Bible, or really doing anything related to God, He kind of slips into the background. And you leave Him there, thinking that you’ve handled it “okay” so far. You’ve been Saved and baptized – it’s all good.
God loves you anyway.
Plus, when you keep God in the background of your heart and mind, you can feel less guilty about the “bad” stuff you do. I was a pretty good kid (in my opinion), though. Didn’t party all the time, didn’t do drugs, or smoke. I went to school, was in the “gifted” program, involved in theatre, had a job. I made it home by curfew, but I still snuck out at 2 in the morning to hang out with friends. But even then, we just went to parks to chat or went on walks. But then things fall apart.
I’ve written before about my breakdown when I was 19, and you better believe that I brought God back to the forefront of my mind as I thought I was losing it. I needed Him to help me, and I begged Him to everyday. And then as things slowly got better, I went back to how I lived before… I talked to Him less and less, didn’t read my Bible as much. I focused on work and friends and trying to be “normal.”
Then my mom died.
Mom passed away suddenly and tragically. And I was mad. How come God got to have her instead of me? I was only 21! I still needed my mom! I leaned on God to get me through, but I still did not yield to Him completely. So for the next 6 years, I ran from Him. I turned to Him occasionally, going through phases of re-dedicating my life to Him, but it never lasted. I still had so much anger and sadness and trusting God seemed like an impossible task. I could barely trust other human beings, let alone the God who let all these people in my life die, including my mom.
I still considered myself a believer. At the end of the day, I still believed that Christ lived in me and that I had a home in Heaven. I just didn’t know what to do with myself until I got there. I didn’t want to bend, to give up that control of my life to Him. But I was smart, I could figure this “life” stuff out. Who cared if I was miserable? As long as I did what people expected of me and I made it look like I was “okay” then everything would be just fine, right?
(My mother and I the day I was baptized a second time)
Wrong.
I went down the wrong path. I lost my way. I spent six months living a sinful and Godless life. But I had a job people assumed was perfect for me that paid well. I lost a little weight. I appeared to be “okay” but I was spinning out of control. This led me to getting into trouble and I found myself in complete and utter despair. I had put myself in a situation that resulted in my arrest.
Me! How had I let things get so out of control? How had I fallen so far?
I always knew that God sometimes took drastic measures to get the attention of the person He is desperate to reach. I just didn’t think my situation was so drastic… apparently it was. I was forced to depend solely on God, literally brought to my knees by my mistakes and despair. I begged Him for forgiveness and laid my whole life on the line. I prayed that God would use my life and my soul and all of my being. I prayed that He take control of the wheel because I couldn’t drive the car without crashing.
I needed my boyfriend to push me that extra step, though. We had both gotten in trouble and God brought him to his knees as well. And woah buddy, did God get a hold of Chris. He was a brand new Christian putting me to shame! While I picked up my prayer life and devotional reading, I still wasn’t completely letting go. But then Chris handed me a book that opened my eyes to what I had always known, but never fully accepted.
(No, he did not keep the mustache)
Heaven is Real, But so is Hell, by Vassula Ryden, changed everything for me. Vassula is a woman who receives messages directly from God, angels, Mother Mary.... and when you read them, as well as her experiences with spiritual warfare, you know she is telling the truth and that God is yearning for you just as He yearned for Vassula. For the first time in a long time, the words of Jesus came alive to me. I woke up one morning and wanted to read the Bible. I had to read my devotional. And I needed to pray.
I gave it all to Him. I surrendered it all to Him. He has been trying to show me His love and grace for so long and I just kept turning my back to Him, thinking He couldn’t possibly still want the broken mess I had become. But that’s exactly how He wanted me! God works best in our weaknesses. And if I hadn’t screwed everything up as badly as I had, I would have continued to think that I could “do it all” on my own. I needed to mess up so that He could put me back together. I needed to make room for Him to fully encompass my soul. Once I did? Peace.
I heard Jesus for the first time in a long time. He reassured me of His love and told me He wanted to fill me with His joy. He told me how happy He was that I had stepped back onto the path of righteousness. And I was so happy! I am so happy! I know what my purpose is and I know that I have Christ right by my side, helping me glorify Him. He used Chris to help bend my will, as well. Chris could tell that I was still holding back something and that I hadn’t fully trusted God yet. But His passion and love for God is almost infectious. You can’t help but see how Jesus changed his whole life for the greater good.
When I stopped talking and started listening, that’s when He swooped in and reminded me of all the love He has for us through His messages to Vassula as well as His words to Chris and myself. Surrendering completely to God has also made it clear that Chris and I are partners and a team on this journey. We work well together and we intend on completing our goals and mission from God. It’ll be a long one, but it’s not anything we can’t do without Christ.
I pray for those who read this. Don’t run from Him. You can’t. If God has his sights on you, He WILL grasp a hold of you and He won’t let go. Let Him open your eyes and hearts. Don’t wait until it takes drastic measures to get your attention. It’s much easier if you just let Him in. God is all love and mercy, and He will never turn away the one who knocks on His door. This world isn’t forever, but thankfully God is.
“I am the Alpha and the Omega,
the first and the last,
the beginning and the end.”
– Revelation 22:13
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