Awakening

There comes a time in everyone’s life that they begin to see their family for who they really are. The people you’ve trusted your whole life and you rely on for support and encouragement. It’s heartbreaking when they start to show their true colors and you realize that all they want from you is to play the game by their rules, and when you don’t, they take the ball and go home because you don’t “play” the way they want – because that’s the only way they can control you.

For my boyfriend, his family likes to use him has the proverbial whipping boy. He can’t do anything right, even when he does. And when he reaches out to them, he is met with barrages of harassing texts filled with lies, false accusations, and psychological abuse.

For my family, they like to cover their pain and misery with money (not so different from my boyfriend’s family, actually). My mother was a victim of sexual abuse from a very young age by her father. This led to a lifetime of depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. While she did finally change her life, the majority of it was stolen from her by what her dad did.

A few years ago, my brother approached me with a letter from my mom. It was written the day before my brother’s 16^th birthday and it was a detailed account of the incest abuse she went through and a call to my brother to protect me and love me because that’s what siblings are supposed to do.

My brother claims that when she gave him the letter (at 16-years-old), he never read it. I didn’t question him about it. But red flags started popping up when he asked me to not tell my dad about the letter, or anyone else for that matter. Why? Because he read it and kept it secret and only deigned to share it with me three years after she died?

My mother’s dad passed away earlier this year. I had no relationship with him due to his molestation and raping of young girls. My mother broke that cycle of incest abuse that was generations long with my brother and I, and for that I am eternally grateful. My aunts did the same. However…

Shortly before they returned for his funeral, I spoke to one of my aunts about the letter, finally. Telling her about what was in it and how my brother had insisted that we keep it secret from them. She expressed interest in reading the letter when she came. Little did I know, I was walking into an ambush.

My aunts invited me to lunch, and proceeded to tell me how I was a product of chaos, how I had no real parents because of my mom’s alcoholism and my dad’s lack of responsibility (they didn’t say this last part in so many words, but it was the point they wanted to get across). When I mentioned the letter, they both told me to burn it. No! This was from my mother to me and to my brother. I’m not going to set my mom’s words on fire! I’m not going to hide the truth of what happened.

Because the truth is, they don’t want to deal with it. They don’t want to deal with me. To quote one of my aunts, in an email they once “accidentally” copied my mom into, it’s due to my mother and father that my “brother and I are “so f***ed up.” They judged my mother for how she spent money and blamed my father for her years of substance abuse. What about their father? Why did he get off scot-free for his crimes against his children and nieces?

Shortly after the ambush, I got into some trouble. While it has ultimately turned out to be the biggest blessing for my boyfriend and myself, they were pissed. I had shamed the family by being with him. And to “repair the damage I caused” I needed to do “a lot of work to regain their trust.” I played their game for a week.

While Chris was stuck in jail, I refused to speak with him for the first few days. And while Chris’s transformation into the amazing man he is today didn’t happen overnight, I witnessed it happen when I started taking his phone calls. We encouraged each other, loved each other, and supported one another. I had to lie to my brother (who was now the sole communication officer to report to my family on how I was doing) about speaking with Chris because I knew he wouldn’t understand or even try to. Chris needed me and I needed him. Somehow (riddle me this, please), he found out we had been speaking and knew the content of our conversations. He called me and told me I had “deceived them all” by my lies and that they would be “stepping back” from me. Just as an explanation, “Stepping back” in my family equates being fully cut off from communicating with them.

I have been blocked by my aunts, my uncles, my grandparents, my cousins, and my brother and his family for almost two months now. No phone calls or texts or emails. No more cards or wishes of love and strength. Completely cut out because I stood by the person I chose to be with.

My father’s family, on the other hand… they have embraced me and Chris with open arms. They were forgiving of the trouble I caused in their lives, the worry and strife. And they continued to check in with me and make sure we were doing everything we were supposed to to get back on track. And we have.

I’ve told my friends and pretty much anyone else who will listen: I’m happy now. For the first time in a very long time, I’m happy. And I’m awake. I idly accepted any and all advice from my mom’s family because they were my link to her. I had never felt good enough for them, so I tried. I went back to college and got my degree, got jobs in my field and worked hours I hated… and I wore myself out. I was miserable and sad and lonely. But I wanted them to be pleased because I wanted their approval that I never felt I really had.

The blessing of “waking up” is that you see people for who they are. My aunts don’t want anyone to know about that letter because it shows that something could have been done to stop the monster that haunted my mother’s dreams. They cover their pain, infidelity, and false images with money, making sure to keep the appearance of a happy and successful life. Because then, no one has to know that they, just like millions of others, are broken. I don’t understand why… brokenness is a part of life. It’s why we call out to God and build the relationship we have with Him. He’s the ultimate physician and healer.

That brokenness is in our souls. It’s why it hurts so horribly and why it aches when it’s called to our attention after we’ve kept it buried in busyness or in the pursuit of building a “normal life.” There is no true “normal” because everyone experiences life differently. And that ache in our souls? That longing that we can’t quite explain? The Bible says it’s because God wants us to fill that longing with Him. That’s what I have done. That’s what Chris has done. That’s what my dad has done. That’s why we can live happily, knowing that we are doing what is right for us.

I’m sure there are more secrets and reasons as to why they have shamed me and cut me out. But the blessing of having Christ in my life is that I am free. I’m free from my lifelong quest of trying to earn approval and be who I thought I was “supposed” to be.

I live a simple life now. I am happy. I am loved.

But most of all? I’m awake.

I’m free.